[AI translation] In his letter, the apostle Peter covers almost every aspect of human life. He has already spoken of the Christian man's position in the world, in the kingdom of God, in slavery, and now he speaks of the Christian man's position and his task in marriage. First he speaks of a very specific problem which is obviously a frequent one in the church, and then of the duty of spouses to each other in general.Let us see what was that particular problem? We can find out from the advice he gives to a member of the congregation in such a situation. It seems that there must have been many mixed marriages in the church, one where the woman was a Christian and the man a pagan. Itinerant preachers went about the countryside, preaching Christ crucified, preaching the gospel, and one of the spouses was converted and the other was not. For one the gospel meant salvation, for the other foolishness or stumbling. The one entered a whole new world through the gate of forgiveness, into the joyful fellowship of the heavenly Bridegroom's bride, the other was left out. The woman was happily feeding on the Word and the Lord's Supper of eternal life in the church, while the man looked on with bewilderment, strangeness, or perhaps even hostility. There was a danger that Christ would cause a growing gulf between the spouses, and slowly a whole world would separate them.
This problem is not unknown in the church today. Even today there are believers who live in mixed marriages. Not in the sense that one is Reformed and the other is of another religion. But in the way it was in the time of the apostle Peter: one is in Christ with all his heart and soul, the other is not. One believes and prays, the other does not. One finds meaning and joy in Christ and His service, the other does not. One has a home in the church community, the other does not. Something has happened to one, something inexplicable, an invisible yet real encounter with the living Jesus, which the other cannot understand, smiles benignly or is annoyed or jealous. So it is not a denominational but a spiritual mixed marriage.
There are three great dangers in this. One is that the spouses slowly become estranged from each other spiritually. Each is living a separate life. They feel that there is a whole world separating them, because what one is passionate about the other is annoying, what is joy to one is meaningless to the other, what is life to one is death to the other. Slowly they begin to feel that they are not right for each other, because their spiritual orientations are so radically different. At best, they continue to live side by side as two orphaned souls, alienated and bored. Obviously, this is not a good solution. The other danger is that the believing spouse will compromise, tire of fighting, and for the sake of peace, adapt to the life, habits and desires of the non-believing spouse. He obeys man rather than God in order to avoid warfare in the family at all costs. Obviously, this is not the right solution either. The third temptation is that the believing spouse wants at all costs to convert the non-believer. He speaks with holy fervour, talking incessantly about things he has heard a thousand times before and is therefore sick to death of. Never mind that the Scripture says, "the kingdom of God is not in word" (1 Cor 4:20), he goes on talking with great, violent fervour! He is talking the poor unbeliever out of his wits, and even resents the fact that he still won't get it. In the meantime, he develops a certain sense of superiority over his unbelieving spouse, and thinks of him, and speaks of him in believing circles, as if the poor man were not yet where he is. But many a believer has already blocked the way to Christ with this spiritual superiority, whether expressed or imagined, to seeking or erring souls! Are you not the very believing wife or believing husband who, by your violent proselytising sermons, have prevented yours from coming to faith with you? If you have been looking for the fault in the other party, the cause of the spiritual mixed marriage, is it not time to blame yourself?!
What then is the right solution? Should the believing spouse renounce all missionary efforts towards his/her non-believing spouse? No! Absolutely not! The believer, the follower of Christ, must never give up the goal of winning non-believers around him - whether they be his spouse, his children, his friends, acquaintances, co-workers, or anyone else - to the kingdom of Christ. But the most effective way of doing this, and the most general rule, is what Peter says: "Likewise wives obey their husbands, that, though some obey not the word, yet by the conduct of their wives they may be won without the word; considering your blameless lives in fear." (1Pt 3:1-2) And this applies not only to the marriage relationship, but to all kinds of relationships and dealings of believers with non-believers in general. Jesus Christ has never put up a partition between man and man, but has broken down every barrier of separation. If we have in our hearts the same Jesus Christ who opened the gates of heaven to sinners and unbelievers, to those who reviled Him and crucified Him, by His voluntary death, then this Jesus Christ does not separate us from unbelievers, alienate us from them, but turns us towards them with even greater love! Where, because of Christ, there has been a spiritual alienation in the heart of the believing spouse from the unbelieving one, Christ is no longer present in that heart, but at most a false memory of him.
Nor is there any need to compromise, to hide or even to extinguish the light that has been received, but rather, the greater the light, the greater the desire to win the other to Christ - not in word, not in speech, but "without a word", by personal conduct and a blameless life. The greatest service is at stake here, the mission of goodness, the evangelization of action.
The apostle speaks of a case where the man probably despised Christianity. Well: be amazed at the fact of how noble this mocked Christ made his wife! Instead of arguing, let your life be so clear and transparent that everything you do or do not do, say or do not say, shines with the light of the grace of Christ. I heard the other day from a foreman in the countryside who has a schedule that sometimes means he has to leave the people he supervises and go away for several days on official business. He said: 'I can leave without any worries, because I have five or six Methodists among my staff who are 100% reliable people and are a good influence on the others. This is the evangelism of action: the mission of goodness! This is evangelism without words!
This is what the apostle recommends in mixed spiritual marriages and in every spiritually mixed company: the lavishness of charity! You, who can always draw on the redeeming love of God, can also lavish this love. In the strictest sense of the word, you can waste it! To waste is to give out without calculation, without any result, without any visible benefit, without any sense: to give without thought, without calculation, without any thought, to give without any thought! That is the only way to love truly. If I love somebody with the ulterior motive that I should benefit from it, for example, that he should change, become like me: then I no longer have true love for him. I should not love in order to benefit myself, but to benefit him! For me, it is benefit enough to have the love of Christ flowing through me. This love will then do in the other what is necessary! I have heard that at one resort squirrels and finches come up to people, climb on their hands, run down their arms, dig in their pockets. But they are naturally shy, startled when humans approach them. And lo and behold, loving care changes the nature of these animals. Would human nature be less susceptible to the power of love? To waste love: that is the most convincing argument against the unbelievers, against the scoffers, against the misunderstanders, to win you to Christ without the Word!
Further on, the apostle has a few more words about marriage in general. He talks about the ideal of feminine beauty. It was also fashionable at that time to braid hair, put on gold, put on dresses. Cosmetology was never as technically advanced as it was in the Hellenistic period, under the influence of the Egyptians. The world has not changed much in this respect. It takes a lot of time, money, energy and effort to look beautiful. The apostle is not saying that a believing woman should neglect her appearance, that she should renounce it in order to please her husband, to please men. On the contrary, he encourages her to strive to please with a beauty that will not be affected by time, which solves the problem of ageing: the more the years pass, the more the radiance in her. The superiority of inner beauty over outer beauty: this is the great gift of Christianity for women! The hidden man of the heart, the incorruptibility of the gentle and quiet soul. Not a beauty of appearance, but a trait that transcends humility. Not shouting: quiet; not ostentatious: modest; not inflaming passions: peaceful. This is the beauty that never goes out of fashion, and with which Christian women of faith can create a new ideal in the world.
Finally, the apostle has a word for men: "Husbands, in like manner, dwell with their wives in a reasonable manner, honoring the female sex as a more tender vessel, as their eternal companions in the grace of life, that your prayers may not fail." (1Pt 3,7) This "in a sensible manner" means with discernment. Men! Be discerning towards women! Look into your wife's soul, see what she needs, what she is hurting, what she lacks, what you can do to help her, what you can do to please her. Sometimes it's the little things. The apostle expresses himself delicately: "by giving honour to the female sex, as to the frail vessel." (verse 7b) Beware: it is only the vessel that is weaker, not the contents! The contents of that more delicate vessel may be more precious and more powerful than that of man! But precisely because the vessel is more delicate, it requires more care, more gentleness, more love, more respect. Moreover, the apostle emphasizes with particular force the full equality of man and woman in Christ.
Man and woman are heirs together in the grace of life. Both are created in the image of God, both are sinners, both have shed the same blood on the cross, both are heirs of the same promise. And finally, he tells us what is the deepest relationship that can and should bind spouses together: appearing together before God in common prayer. This is the touchstone of Christian married life. If it is not there, if it becomes impossible, if the praying souls of man and woman are at odds, if one is accompanied by shed tears: there is trouble. Things must be revised and harmony rekindled precisely in prayer together!
"You women," the apostle begins. You men, he ends. Would it not be good to bow down together before the Lord and say together in repentance, which makes a new beginning possible: "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us" (Mt 6,12)?
Amen
Date: 7 November 1954.
Lesson
Ef 5,1-8