Late grief

[AI translation] A few weeks ago I spoke about the scene that took place between Jesus and Judas at the Last Supper - and I want to continue the story of Judas, even though it is Flower Sunday and this feast is in memory of other events, I want to tell the story of Judas, the darkest event of Holy Week. It is the story of a man who began his career as one of Jesus' closest disciples and ended it as a desperate suicide... There is a thick darkness everywhere in this story, nowhere a ray of encouraging light, as if God's grace had disappeared behind the black clouds of sin. Yet here is a man who, repenting of his sin, finds no relief in the tears that well up, like Peter, but falls deeper and deeper into despair! There are three expressions here that sound very hopeful: 'repented', 'took back the money' and said 'I have sinned'. It is very instructive to follow the spiritual process through which he finally came to the point of throwing his life away.This man's breakdown began with what is described in the account, "Then Judas, seeing that he had betrayed him, condemned Jesus..." It is known that during the night the council of chief priests condemned Jesus to death and had him bound and led over to Pilate to consent to the execution of the death sentence. This was the horrible moment when Judas saw his sin against Jesus in all its nakedness. It was here that the sin he had committed with that treacherous kiss the night before was fulfilled. He had not seen it clearly then, but now he saw it, horrified at what he had done. For sin, when it comes out and stands before a man with all its consequences, has a very different appearance, a very different form, from when it was a temptation, or even when it was committed. If, for example, a burglar could foresee the consequences of what he was doing, if he could foresee the full shape of his crime, he might shrink back and not do it... Perhaps if one who breaks into the happiness of another marriage could foresee what his sin will become, if he could foresee where the same sin that lures him so will drive him - the same sin that looks so beautiful, becomes so terrifyingly horrible, promises so much joy, brings so much sorrow when it ripens, he might never commit it... But the very danger of sin is that it stupefies us, and in this stupor we do not see clearly the true form, the nature, the terrifyingly horrible nature of that sin, and we even see it as beautiful, we wish it were beautiful, only when it is too late, when it has already happened and is already accusing us cruelly with its irreparable consequences - then the stupor begins to clear, then one begins to see clearly again, then the terrible realization begins to wail in one's soul: "Oh, what have I done! How could I have done such a thing?" So when he saw the ripe fruit of his sin, he despaired. Suddenly, the knowledge that what he had done was an irrevocable, irredeemable sin! Just as we are unable to drive rivers back to their source in the mountains, so we are unable to drive the sin we have committed back into the dark abyss from which we have drawn it. Sin cannot be destroyed by human power, only forgiven by divine grace. But it was precisely this divine grace that Judas could not hope for, and that is why even his repentance was a fruitless repentance. We read that when he saw what he had done, his conscience was aroused. "He repented..." is how the report describes him.
Yes, conscience! - Oh, what a gift of God it is, something that is present not only in believers but also in people who care nothing for God, even though it is not always a reliable voice, not always reacting to our actions according to God's will. But even in its weakened and corrupted form, there is still a mysterious, silent word of warning within us - obviously God created it in us - and it never leaves us, and we can least of all get rid of it when we most want to. This inner voice, which immediately warns against all evil, never leaves us in peace. Before the sin is committed, it warns you to let it be, not to do it; while the sin is being committed, it reproaches you for having gone astray, beware; after the sin is committed, it accuses and condemns you for what you have done. Conscience has a wonderful nature. In the one who listens to it attentively, it becomes more and more subtle - in the one who neglects it, ignores it, it becomes quieter and quieter, and finally it becomes silent, mute... But God will not let Himself be mocked, He will shake up a conscience that has been lulled to sleep, and what a conscience shaken out of sleep does to a man is most terrible, almost unbearable!
Judas' anguish of spirit almost reflects the horror of damnation. I have often said that Jesus, before He takes a soul to heaven, takes heaven into that soul. In a way, Satan does the same thing: before he takes someone to damnation, he puts damnation itself into that person's soul. In the Gospel of John, we read that when Jesus gave the broken piece of bread to each of his disciples, including Judas, at the Last Supper, "After the morsel, Satan would enter into it." (John 13:27) And where Satan is, there is hell. There, sooner or later, the soul will be tormented in some great pain and suffering! Judas, too, already has a consuming fire of belated repentance burning there, which can no longer be extinguished! There is an inner weeping in him in which the grip of sin is not yet loosened. He feels that he can no longer cry for mercy, because it is too late. This must be hell! Yet poor Judas, now that he sees his sin in such fullness, confesses it with all sincerity. He does not gloss over it, he does not spare himself, he says with cruel self-reproach, "I have sinned by betraying innocent blood". He does not pass the blame for his sin on to anyone else, he does not look for excuses, excuses, explanations, extenuating circumstances, he takes the full weight of the blame!
This is the true confession of guilt. Adam blamed Eve: the woman gave me of that fruit. Eve blamed the serpent: the serpent seduced me... Everybody tends to look for a scapegoat to blame - not Judas! "I have sinned!" he cries. "I have sinned, I am guilty of all this horror! Oh, how hard it is for a soul to come to this! Oh, if at that moment, when Judas cried out, "I have sinned!", there had been a brother to take his hand and say to him: Come, let's tell God, let's talk to the Lord about this!", the whole story might have ended differently. But he is not surrounded by brothers and sisters, but by accomplices who, seeing the sinful man's struggle, cynically say to him, "What is it to us? You see!" It's as if they were saying: it's your business, do what you want, deal with it yourself as you can... They leave the tormented soul alone in despair, no one to help, no one to sympathize with him in his distress, no one to care: "What's it to us? You see!" It was at this point in the tragedy of Judas that I saw the blessing of the Church, the immense gift of fraternal communion, that there are people who do not reject someone in this way: what is it to me? Take advantage of the opportunity, the privilege, of being brothers and sisters, of belonging to a congregation, but never leave one of you alone, for loneliness is bad advice; companions in crime, friends, pals, will leave you alone in trouble, like Judas the high priest - brothers and sisters, brothers and sisters, are just the people to help you.
Well, Judas went so far as to confess frankly, "I have sinned..." But this confession of sin was only shouted in the unfeeling ears of the chief priests, and not to the God who is such an infinitely gracious God! He sees only the hell burning in his own heart, but he does not open this aching heart to God. Because of the despair he is in, he cannot go to the only One who can lift him out of this abyss, who has never yet rejected the repentant sinner - who has never yet said to anyone, "What is it to me, you see?" Judas, in his despair, does not even beg for mercy; he thinks himself already lost for ever, and seeks to free himself from the terrible fear of his soul by tying a rope round his neck and hanging himself. He wants to escape despair by the last act of despair! This is suicide!
One lays hands on oneself when one has reached a limit where one feels that there is no more. I've ruined my life, I'm in irredeemable trouble, there's no solution but death! Because suicide is not a solution, but there is another solution! Why is throwing away life not a solution? Because it is based on the great error that life can be thrown away by man himself! But it cannot be thrown away! If death were really the end of the life-mind, then suicide would still make some sense. But it's not, it's a colon, which means that the sentence continues... It is a terrible self-deception to think that one can escape God's judgment, which burns in the conscience, by dying, because behind death lies all eternity! I can escape neither from myself nor from God! Beyond death I remain myself and God is God! Where can man hide from the gaze of the Almighty? It was perhaps in such a suicidal trauma, thousands of years ago, that the psalmist realised what he was describing:
"Thou hast compassed me about before and behind, and thou hast held thy hand over me. This knowledge is wonderful to me, high one, I cannot understand it. Where shall I go from your soul, and where shall I flee from your face? If I ascend to heaven, thou art there; if I make my bed in Sheol, thou art there present. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, and fly to the other side of the sea: There also thy hand shall guide me, and thy right hand shall hold me." Psalm 139:5-10)
So it is not a solution to flee from one's problems, from one's sins, from the ruins of one's ruined life, from responsibility, from a shaken conscience, from the tragedy that is about to befall us - from God - to death. Death is not the answer! In fact, it only increases the problem. I once said to a suicide candidate: "Have you ever seen a premature baby who was unable to live? What a sad sight to see such an embertor, isn't it? Well, it's non-viable because it was born before its time. Such an unviable premature infant in eternity is a suicide who arrives in the afterlife before his time! - So death is not the solution! - There is another solution! There is a solution even in the most desperate situation! JESUS! And I am not saying this because this is the way a sermon usually turns out, but because Jesus alone is the solution! There really is no other! Conscience, however subtle it may be, only covers the sin, but cannot erase it. It points out sin, but cannot atone for it. It accuses, but cannot forgive. It strikes down, but cannot lift up. Conscience will try, but cannot acquit; conscience is judge, but not Saviour! And Jesus Christ is a Judge who is also a Saviour! He exposes sin by making atonement, He accuses by forgiving! The precious blood that flowed from the cross, the sign of which you can take and drink at this table: this blood is the only power that silences and soothes the accusing conscience. Even in the most desperate despair, a new ray of hope comes to life in the man who, with just a little faith, looks up to the cross, to Jesus, the Man of Sorrows, the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world! Yes: with Jesus there is salvation, there is forgiveness, there is a solution for the soul that is in the darkest depths. For everyone who does not shout this confession of sin, "I have sinned..." into a vacuum, but says it to Him there, on Calvary! There is a solution! Whatever darkness surrounds you, whatever irredeemable trouble, whatever despair, look up to Jesus in faith and say it with the courage of the author of Psalm 42:
"My soul, why are you discouraged?
Why are you so bitter?
Trust in God, do not be discouraged,
In whom I rejoice at last."
Amen
Date: 10 April 1960.